Improving our relationship requires an ability to comprehend the subjective experience of ourselves and the other, an acknowledgement of emotions, a commitment to dialogue with ourselves and our partner and a willing suspension of disbelief.

Gottman has used the biblical myth about the four horsemen of the apocalypse who appear in the Book of Revelation to draw a parallel to what happens in marriages. Each of the horsemen represents a different facet of the apocalypse: conquest, war, famine, and death. If we look at the analogy and its application to couples then we can visualise a landscape where the need to conquer and resultant fights can lead to the ground of the relationship getting parched, leading to an end of the partnership.

Based on his clinical experiences and research findings, Gottman has extensively spoken about the four horsemen of negative interactions that indicate a relationship is in trouble. This is natural amongst couples given how we are shaped by our early relational experiences, the influences of culture and extended family members. I believe these negative interactions become more chronic when friendship and love start waning and competitiveness or egocentric behaviours starts to escalate.

In my work with couples and families, in general, I use my knowledge from my Family and Couples Therapy training, specifically I find Gottman’s principles a clear way of working with couples. In addition, couples usually understand Gottman’s concepts easy to understand and apply in their relationship. Here I define a couple as any two people in an intimate relationship that involves emotional and sexual intimacy. This couple can be married/live-in/same-sex/opposite sex. Although Gottman may not agree to this, I do keep in mind the impact of personality functioning, cultural memberships, family history and family of origin experiences on the couple relationship. From a Gestalt Therapy lens, we try to create an environment for awareness and change with minimal shaming. I believe shame is something for us to keep in mind as therapists, to ensure that neither of the partners ends up feeling that they are at fault for the problems. We need to endeavour to stress the importance of our personal styles of relating as well as the familial and socio-cultural influences.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Negative Interactions

Conflict is typically healthy within a relationship as it can be productive in understanding our needs, getting them met by our partner to an approximation, and really being attuned to the needs of our partners. However, the way we approach conflict can be counterintuitive. The four horsemen Gottman introduces are counterproductive behaviours that negatively affect a relationship, and although all individuals in a relationship engage in these behaviours at times, it is the persistent engagement in these that mark a strained relationship. This strain and stress require support from a couple’s therapist or someone who has in-depth knowledge about what is helpful for couples and families to sustain relationships. In addition, our own experiences of being in relationships and sustaining them, and finding a fair level of resolution in our family of origin and family of co-creation helps us to be better equipped in our practice to congruently connect with our clients. Understanding the four horsemen and how it operates in our relationship helps us in supporting our clients. I have briefly explained them below:

1. Criticism

There is a difference between expressing constructive feedback and being critical. Feedback focuses on a specific action (e.g., ‘you haven’t done the laundry as you promised), criticism is often an attack on the person (e.g., ‘you are so lazy…you cannot be trusted at all, you never keep your promises). Using the words: “You are always” or “you never” are common ways to criticize. Your partner is likely to feel attacked and hurt and respond defensively to protect their sense of self.

The antidote to criticism is to express a direct complaint that is not a global attack on your partner’s sense of self.

2. Contempt

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal cue that makes you feel superior to your partner and inadvertently convey a direct or indirect message to your partner that they are inferior. Derisive comments about your partner (e.g., insensitive gender jokes, e.g., “oh she watches so many cookery shows but I don’t see any good outcome…”, “well he watches a lot of porn, do you see me complaining?”), calling them names, rolling your eyes and sarcasm are all examples of contempt. Couples must realize that a chronic disdainful attitude will destroy the fondness and admiration between them.

The antidote to contempt is to avoid contemptuous statements and behaviours and to actively work on building a culture of appreciation in the relationship.

3. Defensiveness

When we attempt to defend ourselves from a perceived attack with a counter-complaint we are trying to protect ourselves (e.g., “what about you? Huh? You didn’t do laundry last week!” or “I have so much of work how could I have done this at such short notice, your expectations are so high!”). Defensiveness keeps partners from owning their share in the problem and spirals negative communication. When our partner is being critical of us or expressing a valid concern about shared responsibilities, defensiveness is not the best solution.

The antidote to defensiveness is to attentively listen to our partner’s complaint/feedback and to take our share of the responsibility for the problem.

4. Stonewalling

This happens when the listener goes into radio silence by emotionally and physically leaving and withdrawing from the dialogue/monologue! The stonewaller may look like they don’t care but often they do and are feeling overwhelmed by emotional flooding. This seldom works for the partner, because they assume that their partner doesn’t care about the problem or them hence has withdrawn. It can be a vicious cycle with one partner demanding to talk and the other desperately looking for an exit door.

The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that we or our partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break.

Gottman’s Seven Principles of a Successful Relationship

According to Gottman, at the core of a happy marriage is a strong friendship – one where the couple enjoys each other’s company, know each other intimately and respect each other. Although friendship does not prevent conflicts, it often averts breakups. Working on any of these principles given below can automatically improve other areas of our relationship too.

Principle 1 – Enhance Your Love Maps

Make the effort to get to know each other. Hopes, dreams, fears, dreads, goals, health challenges, spiritual beliefs, values, childhood experiences, college days and other intimate details about our partner. Listen quietly and attentively while doing this, put your phone on silent, steer clear of distractions and avoid thinking judgmentally about all that your partner is sharing. Just listen, feel and imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes, how they will be feeling and what their thoughts would be. Create a map that is replete with wonderful landmarks, prayer stones, seashells and memorabilia that help you to navigate the rough terrains and tsunamis when you encounter them and trust me you will!

Principle 2 – Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Spend time reminiscing about the early romantic days of your relationship especially how you met and what you liked about each other. Invest a copious amount of time reflecting on each other’s positive traits.

Principle 3 – Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

We don’t need to rely on romantic vacations, candlelit dinner or a diamond ring buried in the birthday cake, although I wouldn’t honestly mind it! Levity apart, happy/satisfied couples usually turn toward each other in their daily interactions by making time to call/text each other, go for walks, watch a sunset, do the grocery shopping together, sleep in on a Sunday and watch the sunlight fall in through the drapes, take their pet to a vet together or take the kid to the pediatrician. We must infuse togetherness and fondness into seemingly routine activities, thus building up our emotional bank account to get us through painful times. My most painful memory was when my partner didn’t turn up for the birth of our first child, I still bring it up occasionally, I have milked that dry for sure! My most treasured memory was when he stayed in the hospital the next time when I had to go through a tragic termination and he held a bedpan for me.

Principle 4 – Let Your Partner Influence You

The most stable and happy relationships are those where the couple works as a team – they consider each other’s perspectives and feelings. They are open to allowing the other to influence one’s decisions. For e.g., it can be as simple as our partner wants us to organise the kitchen/cupboard/bank related documents in a particular format, we just listen to the emotion and rationale behind the request and do it! Avoid engaging in ego games. At the same time try to seek common ground when there is a disagreement about something.

Principle 5 – Solve Your Solvable Problems

This is something I often share with the couples I work with – my partner has a very laid-back fluid relationship with time and I am particular about being on time. For many years this would be an area of great conflict till I decided to go by myself to friends’ get-togethers, movies etc. I also learnt to carry a book with me wherever I went, to read while I wait. Somehow over the years, there has been a shift – for both of us. I don’t get annoyed by his time management and he is most often on time for important occasions. Generally speaking, there are two types of problems that we face as couples; solvable problems, and perpetual problems. The challenge for many of us as couples is that we may not take the time to solve the solvable problems (we are all caught up in our busy lives, so natural to let small things slide) hence they further burden our relationship alongside perpetual problems. This can eventually become overwhelming for us. Gottman recommends a five-step process to fix solvable problems:

1. Soften your start-up. Approach the issue with curiosity and care and describe what’s happening without blaming. Make “I” statements (‘when you don’t do the laundry in a timely manner, I feel frustrated/ helpless) rather than “you” statements (‘you never help me’/ you are such a shirker/ you always avoid doing chores/ you just want me to carry all the burdens on my shoulder). Focus on the positives rather than the negatives (‘I miss our dinner dates together,’ rather than ‘I hate it when you don’t take time for me/ your work is more important to you than me/ your mother is like God and I am just a beggar in your life’).
2. Use repair attempts to diffuse tension. These are thoughtful statements to stop a conflict from escalating into a full-blown argument. Here is a list of scripted phrases for you to try out (some from Gottman and some my own), such as ‘I am beginning to get critical, let’s take a time out’ ‘I think my emotions are hijacking my actions now, I am going to step outside for a walk, we can talk when we are both feeling better’ ‘I feel defensive, can you please rephrase that’, or ‘I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed, I will just water the plants for a while.’
3. Calm each other down. Learn to calm yourself and your partner down in response to stress. Take a 30-minute break for yourself. after that inquire about each other and support each other. Say “I am sorry, you are feeling hurt”.
4. Compromise. Gottman proposes a 3-step process for a compromise in the relationship. First, each dialogues their point of view. Second, each partner writes down their response to the problem in terms of essential and desirable outcomes and their feelings for each outcome and what can be compromised. Finally, discuss your lists with each other with a focus on areas of agreement.
5. Be Tolerant Of Each Other’s Faults. Let us accept that how much ever we may strive for perfection in ourselves and in our partner, we are human, we are flawed and perfection is unachievable in a perfectly imperfect world! Until we accept our partner’s flaws and imperfections, we will not be able to compromise successfully and we will be on a relentless crusade to alter our partner.

Principle 6 – Overcome Gridlock

Gottman states that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that can’t be fully rectified as the issues are so intense and hard to fix because they involve hopes, dreads and aspirations that are a part of our self-identity. Learn to live with the problem by identifying the underlying issues and how these can be managed without one partner having to give in. for e.g., spirituality or religious beliefs. or the fact that I love to travel and my partner hates it! I have realized after much pain that for us it is an unresolvable issue.

Principle 7 – Create Shared Meaning

Gottman says that couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols and I believe this is a crucial ingredient of a robust relationship. These small or big ways of being together support the purpose and meaning that we are able to create in our relationships.

Rituals – These are consistent events on a daily/weekly/monthly or yearly basis that connect us to our narrative as a couple or family. It might be a morning cup of coffee, putting up the Christmas tree, lighting the diyas for Deepavali, reading a story or singing a lullaby to put kids to sleep, taking your pet for a walk, a weekend rock climbing or trekking, celebrating the day annually on which you first met or any other shared ritual.

Life roles – This involves discussing and agreeing with each other on the roles inside and outside the relationship like a worker/home keeper, financial manager/cook, children disciplinarian/ nurturer, diaper changer/milk supplier, holiday planner/dreamcatcher and so on. As our life circumstances change like the birth of a child, kids growing up, leaving home, retirement – the roles will also need to change with flexibility from both partners.

Life goals – It is helpful for us as couples to reflect upon and share with each other our personal and shared life goals. Perhaps it is the pursuit of education, travel, learning to dance, or a career change or financial goals related to purchasing a Harley Davidson or retirement. Whatever these maybe it should be discussed and agreed upon so that as a couple we can work towards them.

In conclusion, if you are a couple reading this or an individual contemplating couplehood/struggling in your couple relationship, as an activity take some time out and do this individually/take this to your therapist or/and share it with each other. Reflect upon what was your family of origin culture (how did your father and mother share intimacy, talk with each other, manage the roles and responsibilities, resolve conflicts) and write these down. Then reflect on your current family culture (how do you and your partner share intimacy, talk with each other, manage the roles and responsibilities, resolve conflicts) and write this down. Now imagine you wake up today morning and your fantasy about a happy relationship has come true. What does this look like to you? What specific values and actions can you agree upon that will help you get there? What would you change about yourself because you love yourself, your partner and your relationship?